六人行2-2The One With the Breast
Milk
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Carol and Susan are
showing off Ben to the
gang.]
Monica: (entering from
her bedroom carrying a present) Ok,
these were unbelievably expensive, and
I know he's gonna grow out
of them in like, 20 minutes, but
I couldn't resist. (There a
little pair of Nike
shoes.)
Phoebe: Oh, look at
these! Hey, Ben. Just do it.
(Ben starts to cry) Oh my God,
oh, ok, was that too much
pressure for him?
Susan: Oh,
is he hungry already?
Carol:
I guess so. (Carol starts to
breast feed Ben.)
Chandler: You
know, it's... (sees the feeding
taking place next to him) something
funny about sneakers. I'll be
right back. (Goes into the
kitchen)
Joey: (joins him) I
gotta get one, too.
Ross:
(following them into the kitchen) What
are you guys doing?
Chandler:
We're just hanging out by the
spoons. Ladle?
Ross: Look,
would you guys grow up? That is
the most natural beautiful thing in
the world.
Joey: Yeah, we
know, but there's a baby
suckin' on it.
Ross: This
is my son having lunch, ok?
It's gonna happen a lot, so
you'd better get used to it.
Now if you have any problem
with it, if you're uncomfortable,
just ask questions. Carol's fine
with it, now come
on.
(They go back into
the living room)
Ross:
Carol?
Chandler: Carol? I was
just wondering if Joey could ask
you a question about
breast-feeding?
Carol:
Sure.
Joey: Uh, does it
hurt?
Carol: It did at
first, but not anymore.
Joey:
Chandler?
Chandler: So, uh, how
often can you do
it?
Carol: As much as he
needs.
Joey: Ok, I got
one, I got one. Uh, if he
blows into one, does the other
one get bigger?
Opening
Credits
[Scene: Central Perk,
the gang is all
there.]
Julie: Rachel, do you
have any muffins left?
Rachel:
Yeah, I forget which
ones.
Julie: Oh, you're
busy, that's ok, I'll get
it. Anybody else want
one?
All: No
thanks.
Julie: (To Rachel) Oh,
you're losin' your apron here,
let me get it. There you go.
(Ties it back up for
her)
Rachel: (to Julie) Thank
you. (under her breath to Chandler)
What a bitch.
Julie: Oh,
listen you guys. I have this
friend at Bloomingdale's who's
quitting tomorrow and he wants to
abuse his discount. So, anyone want
to come with me and take
advantage of it?
Phoebe: I
can't, I have to take my
grandmother to the vet.
Monica:
Ok, um, I'll go with
you.
Julie:
Great.
Ross: (enters) Hi,
honey.
Chandler: Hey,
sweetums.
Ross: Hello to the
rest.
All: Hi!
Joey:
Monica what're you doin'? You
can't go shopping with her?
What about Rachel?
Monica:
It's gonna be a problem,
isn't it?
Chandler: Come
on, you're going to
Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's
like cheating on Rachel in her
house of worship.
Monica: But
I'm...
Phoebe: Monica, she
will kill you. She will kill
you like a dog in the
street.
Ross: (to Monica) So,
uh, Jules tells me you guys are
going shopping tomorrow?
Monica:
Yeah, uh, it's actually not
that big a deal.
Ross:
It's a big deal to me.
This is great, Monica. I really
appreciate this.
Monica: You're
welcome.
Phoebe: Woof,
woof.
[Scene: A Department
Store, Joey is selling men's
cologne.]
Joey: (A guy walks
by) Bijan for men? (Another guy
walks by) Bijan for men? (Another
guy walks by) Bijan for men?
(An attractive woman walks by.) Hey
Annabelle.
Annabelle: Hey, Joey.
So did you hear about the new
guy?
Joey:
Who?
Annabelle: Nobody knows
his name. Me and the girls just
call him the Hombre
man.
(The Hombre man
enters.)
Hombre Man: (to a
customer) Hombre? (The guy says yes,
and gets his sample.)
Joey:
What's he doin' in my
section?
Annabelle: I guess he
doesn't know.
Joey: Well,
he's gonna. I'll see you
a little later, ok? (To the
Hombre Man) Hey, how ya
doin'?
Hombre Man:
Mornin'.
Joey: Listen, I know
you're new, but it's kinda
understood that everything from Young
Men's to the escalator is my
territory.
Hombre Man: Your
territory, huh?
Joey: Yeah.
Bijan for men?
Guy: No
thanks.
Hombre Man:
Hombre?
Guy: Yeah. All right.
(They guy gets his sample and
leaves.)
Hombre Man: (To Joey)
You were saying?
[Scene:
Central Perk, Phoebe is there as
Monica enters.]
Monica: Phoebe,
listen. You were with me, and
we were shopping all
day.
Phoebe:
What?
Monica: We were shopping,
and we had lunch.
Phoebe:
Oh, all right. What did I
have?
Monica: You had a
salad.
Phoebe: Oh, no wonder
I don't feel
full.
Rachel: (entering) Hey,
guys, what's up.
Phoebe:
I went shopping with Monica all
day, and I had a
salad.
Rachel: Good, Pheebs.
What'd you buy?
Phoebe:
Um, we went shopping for um,
for, fur.
Rachel: You went
shopping for fur?
Phoebe: Yes,
and then I realized I'm against
that, and uh, so then we bought
some, (sees Monica pointing at her
chest) uh, boobs.
Rachel: You
bought boobs?
Phoebe: (Monica
is yanking on her bra strap)
Bras! We bought bras! We bought
bras.
[Scene: The Department
Store, Joey is trying to sell
some cologne.]
Joey: (to a
guy) Bijan for men? (to a guy)
Bijan for men? (To a woman)
Bijan for... (Sees it's a woman
and stops.) (To Annabelle who walks
up.) Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I
was wondering if maybe after work
you and I could go maybe grab
a cup of coffee.
Annabelle:
Oh, actually I sorta have
plans.
Hombre Man: (entering)
Ready, Annabelle?
Annabelle: You
bet. (to Joey) Maybe some other
time?
Joey: (To a co-worker)
Hey, it's not the first time
I lost a girl to a cowboy
spraying cologne. (A customer walks
by.) Bijan for men? (The customer
ignores him, and Joey starts to
chase him) Bijan for
men?!
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben
off for Ross to
watch.]
Carol: Ok, and this
is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is
only for after his naps, not
before his naps or he won't
sleep.
Ross: Carol, we've
been through this before, ok? We
have a good time. We laugh, we
play. It's like we're father
and son.
Susan: Honey, relax.
Ross is great with him. (Ross
looks at her.) Don't look so
surprised. I'm a lovely
person.
Rachel: Oh, this is
so cute.
Susan: Oh, I
got that for him.
Ross:
My mommies love me. That's
clever.
Monica: Hello? Oh, Hi,
Ju?(Sees Rachel is watching)?Hi,
Jew! (Walks into the kitchen.)
(Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens.) Uh huh?
(Listens) Ok. (Listens) Um, sure,
that'd be great. See ya then.
Bye. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: Did
you just say Hi,
Jew?
Monica: Yes. Uh, yes,
I did. That was my friend,
Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it.
Reaffirms his faith.
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Rachel,
and Joey are eating, and Phoebe
is preparing Ben's
milk.]
Phoebe: Ben,
dinner!
Ross: Thanks Aunt
Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave
that, did you, because it's
breast milk, and you're not
supposed to do that.
Phoebe:
Duh, I think I know how to
heat breast milk. Ok. (Squirts some
on her wrist and tastes
it.)
Chandler: What did you
just do?
Phoebe: I licked
my arm, what?
Ross: It's
breast milk.
Phoebe:
So?
Rachel: Phoebe, that is
juice, squeezed from a
person.
Joey: What is the
big deal? (Tastes the breast
milk.)
Chandler: What did you
just do?
Ross: Ok, would
people stop drinking the breast
milk?
Phoebe: You won't
even taste it?
Ross:
No!
Phoebe: Not even if
you just pretend that it's
milk?
Ross: Not even if
Carol's breast had a picture of
a missing child on
it.
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, time lapse. Rachel is
entering the living room from her
bedroom as Monica
enters.]
Monica: Hey, where is
everybody?
Rachel: They took
Ben to the park. Where've you
been?
Monica: Just out. Had
some lunch, just me, little quality
time with me. Thanks for your
jacket.
Rachel: Oh, no problem.
You can borrow it, by the way.
(Puts her hand in the pocket)
Here are your keys, hon. (She
takes the keys out, sets them
on the counter, and notices she
also grabbed a
receipt.)
Monica:
Okay.
Rachel: Mon, if uh
you were at lunch alone, how
come it cost you uh 53
dollars?
Monica: You know what
probably happened? Someone musta stolen
my credit card.
Rachel: And
sorta just put the receipt back
in your pocket?
Monica: That
is an excellent excellent question.
That is excellent.
Rachel:
Monica, what is with you? Who'd
you have lunch with?
Monica:
Judy.
Rachel:
Who?
Monica:
Julie.
Rachel:
What?!
Monica:
Jody!
Rachel: You were with
Julie?
Monica: Look, when it
started I was just trying to be
nice to her because she was my
brother's girlfriend. And then, one
thing led to another and, before
I knew it, we
were...shopping.
Rachel: Oh. Oh
my God.
Monica: Honey, wait.
We only did it once. It
didn't mean anything to
me.
Rachel: Yeah, right.
Sure!
Monica: Really, Rachel, I
was thinking of you the whole
time. Look, I'm sorry, all
right. I never meant for you to
find out!
Rachel: Oh, please,
you wanted to get caught. (Waves
the receipt)
Monica: That is
not true!
Rachel: Oh, so
you just sort of happened to
leave it in here?
Monica:
Did it ever occur to you that
I might just be that
stupid?
Rachel: Ok, Monica. I
just have to know one thing.
Did you go with her to
Bloomingdale's? (Monica looks away.)
Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really,
uh, I just really need to not
be with you right now.
(Exits.)
Commercial
Break
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Ben is playing in his
crib while Chandler and Ross are
leaning against the rim and are
completely asleep.]
Monica: (on
the phone) Hi, who's this?
(Listens) Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel
working? It's Monica. (Listens) Yes,
I know I did a horrible thing.
(Listens) Joanne, it's not as
simple as all that, ok? (Listens)
No, I don't care what Steve
thinks. (Listens) Hi,
Steve.
(There's a knock
on the door which is answered
by Phoebe.)
Carol and Susan:
Hey! (This wakes Chandler and Ross
up)
Carol: How did we
do?
Phoebe: Oh, I tasted
Ben's milk, and Ross freaked
out.
Ross: I did not
freak out.
Carol: Why'd
you freak out?
Ross: Because
it's breast milk. It's
gross.
Carol: My breast milk
is gross?
Susan: This should
be fun.
Ross: No, no,
Carol. There's nothing wrong with
it. I just, I just don't
think breast milk is for
adults.
Chandler: Of course the
packaging does appeal to grown-ups and
kids alike.
Carol: Ross,
you're being silly. I've tried
it, it's no big deal. Just
taste it. (Holding out a
bottle.)
Ross: (jumping away)
That would be no.
Phoebe:
Come on. It doesn't taste
bad.
Joey: Yeah, it's
kinda sweet, sorta like,
uh...
Susan: Cantaloupe
juice.
Joey:
Exactly.
Ross: (staring at
Susan) You've tasted it? You've
tasted it.
Susan: Uh
huh.
Ross: Oh, you've
tasted it.
Susan: You can
keep saying it, but it won't
stop being true.
Ross: (he
rolls up his sleeve) Gimme the
bottle. (Joey hands him the bottle
and Ross squirts some on his
arm.) Gimme the towel. (Joey gives
him the towel and he wipes it
off.)
[Scene: Chandler and
Joey's, Chandler is wiping down
the peninsula counter as Joey enters
dressed like a
cowboy.]
Chandler:
Howdy.
Joey: (sitting on the
otherside of the counter from
Chandler) Gimme a box a juice.
Well, they switched me over to
Hombre.
Chandler: Well, maybe
it's because of the way
you're dressed.
Joey: Or
maybe it's because this guy's
doing so good they wanna put
more people on it. (Chandler pours
some juice in a glass.) You
should see this guy, Chandler, he
goes through two bottles a
day.
Chandler: (slides the
juice across the counter which Joey
catches) What do you care?
You're an actor. This is your
day job. This isn't supposed to
mean anything to you.
Joey:
I know, but, I was the best,
you know? I liked being the
best. (He downs the glass of
juice in one swig.) I don't
know. Maybe I should just get
outta the game. They need guys
up in housewares to serve
cheese.
Chandler: (pours more
and slides the refill to Joey)
All right, say you do that. You
know sooner or later somebody's
gonna come along that slices a
better cheddar. And then where're
you gonna run?
Joey: Yeah
I guess you're
right.
Chandler: You're damn
right I'm right. I say you
show this guy what you're made
of. I say you stand your
ground. I say you show him that
you are the baddest hombre west
of the lingerie.
Joey:
I'm gonna do it. (He downs
the juice in one swig
again.)
Chandler: All right.
Now go see Miss Kitty and
she'll fix you up with a
nice hooker.
[Scene: Outside
Central Perk, Rachel is cleaning up
and Monica is pleading with
her.]
Monica: I don't
know what else to
say.
Rachel: Well that works
out good, because I'm not
listening.
Monica: I feel
terrible, I really do.
Rachel:
Oh, I'm sorry, did my back
hurt your knife?
Monica:
Rachel, (they go back inside) say
that I'm friends with her, we
spend some time together. Is that
so terrible?
Rachel:
Yes.
Monica: It's that
terrible?
Rachel: Yes. Monica,
you don't get it. It's
bad enough that she's stolen
the guy who might actually be
the person that I am supposed
to be with, but now, she's
actually (starting to cry), but now
she's actually stealing
you.
Monica: Me? What are
you talking about? Nobody could steal
me from you. I mean, just
because I'm friends with her
doesn't make me any less
friends with you. I mean, (starting
to cry) you're my...We're,
we're...Oh, I love
you.
Rachel: I love you
too. (They hug.)
Phoebe: You
guys, um I know that this
really doesn't have anything to
do with me, but um I love
you guys too. (Joins in on the
hug.) Oh, I really needed that.
(Goes and sits down.)
Monica:
Look, I know that you're in
a place right now where you
really need to hate Julie's
guts, but she didn't do
anything wrong. I mean, she was
just a girl who met a guy,
and now they go out. I really
think that if you gave her a
chance, you'd like her. Would
you just give that a chance,
for me?
Rachel: (crying)
I'd do anything for you, you
know that.
Monica: (crying)
I'd do anything for you. (They
hug again.)
Phoebe: Wait, wait,
wait, wait! (Runs over and joins
in on the hug
again.)
[Scene: The Department
Store, Joey and the Hombre man
are facing off in Joey's
section.]
Joey: Mornin'. (The
Hombre man ignores him) I said,
mornin'.
Hombre Man: I heard
ya.
Store Guy: All right,
everybody, I'm openin' the doors.
You boys ready?
Hombre Man:
Ready.
Joey: Yeah, I'm
ready.
(An old West style
showdown starts with Joey and the
Hombre Man staring each other down
as the store guy slowly lets in
the first customer while Joey and
the Hombre Man get ready to
draw. In slow motion they spot
the customer, eye each other, draw,
and as the customer walks into
the middle Joey's bottle misfires
but the Hombre Man spays it
into the customer's
eyes.)
Customer: You idiot, you
stupid cowboy, you blinded me,
I'm suing!
Store Guy: Oh
my god, Todd! What the hell did
you do?
Hombre Man: I'm
sorry. I am such a doofus.
I'm so sorry, I'm so
sorry.
Annabelle: (seeing the
end result) My god, what
happened?
Joey: These new kids,
they never last. Sooner or later,
they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh,
what do you say I buy you
that cup of coffee
now?
Annabelle:
Sure.
(They walk off into
the sunset, at least a picture
of one.)
[Scene: Central Perk,
Julie and Rachel are sitting on
the couch.]
Julie:
So.
Rachel: So. I just
thought the two of us should
hang out for a bit. I mean,
you know, we've never really
talked. I guess you'd know
that, being one of the two of
us, though, right?
Julie: I
know, I probably shouldn't even
tell you this, but I'm pretty
much totally intimidated by
you.
Rachel: Really?
Me?
Julie: Yes. Oh my
god, are you kidding? Ross is
so crazy about you, and I
really wanted you to like me,
and, it's probably me being
totally paranoid, but I kinda got
the feeling that maybe you
don't.
Rachel: Well,
you're not totally
paranoid.
Julie:
Oy.
Rachel: Um, ok, uh,
oh god, um, when you and uh
Ross first started going out, it
was really hard for me, um, for
many reasons, which I'm not
gonna bore you with now, but
um, I just, I see how happy
he is, you know, and how good
you guys are together, and um,
Monica's always saying how nice
you are, and god I hate it
when she's right.
Julie:
Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like
to go to a movie sometime or
something?
Rachel: Yeah, that'd
be great. I'd love
it.
Julie: I'd love it
too. Shoot, I gotta go. So,
I'll talk to you
later.
Rachel: All right,
Julie.
Julie: Bye. (Gets
up.)
Rachel: Bye. (After Julie
exits.) What a manipulative
bitch.
Closing
Credits
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, another showdown is
occuring, only this time its between
Ross, a plate of cookies, and
the breast milk. They've been
eyeing each other for a while
now, and Chandler and Joey are
getting bored. He checks his Ross
and in frustration, shoves his watch
in front of Ross's eyes as
if saying, "Hurry it up already!"
Finally, Ross scratches his head, does
that again, itches his nose, scratches
his head, grabs the bottle, takes
a big swig, and piles several
cookies into his mouth.]
Ross:
(with a mouthful) That's not
bad.
End
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