And wood Yang know years ago when a April, I remember, that's what a beautiful beautiful spring season. When we are reading a graduate student, learning with is the philosophy of professional, he is the low, so has been to call me learn elder sister.
At that time we often together to chat, eating, watching movies, top self-study, libraries, anyway as long as is two people can together do, we all stuck together, was like peas and carrots to become a person as if.
Looking back now, it is to feel when we are all too young ah, don't know should leave a bit gap to each other, or don't warm or ah, that maybe we today may not like this to the point of not associate with each other.
Remember small, whenever that parents often fight scenes, I in bottom of the heart secretly tell yourself: must grow up quickly, and then went out, no longer easily go home, grew up to also don't get married. At that time, in my young heart, began to love to marriage, things like that produce a kind of fear. Also because of this, when I grew up, I didn't know very well to control his emotions and always comes surges, be very intense, sometimes even I myself feel helpless.
To wood Yang feelings also is such, into the deepest like the heart when magic, almost even oneself also cost.
There was a time not even feel doesn't recognize himself, always sense to him, miss and reality of the crazy but let a person in the world to a lot of things are dispirited and discouraged. Have a period of time, I even thought about suicide, it also occurred to became a monk.
Buddha said: to learn to forgive, learn to put down. Learn to give up, learn to put down, learn to forgive others, also is to own a relief. Only forgive, lay down, can use the better posture to move on life. If not forgive, the mind will be resentment occupied, and eventually hurt or ourselves.
I follow the wishes of the buddhist, and finally learned to put down, learn to forget and gratitude. All the things in the world, there will be linked, have due to have fruit, have gathered have scattered, is pregnant with sorrow, have start over, this is just an experience, I told myself, the past is forever.
But tonight, when the cold winds blow, when I a person standing in cold street listening to WangFeng deep feeling ground sing "Beijing, Beijing" of time, I don't sleep at night when the Beijing love story "TV drama of its tears, the scenes like a video that past as, in my sight picture scroll stretched out from such as... I suddenly gushed out a terrible thought: I'm going to look for him.
What made me so impulse? So can't control his heart? I have continuous insomnia several night, tears and quietly slipped, and I've not gently be perceived to wipe...
I quietly in the office for two hours and nothing to do but to silence to listen to music, and once again, the first WangFeng "Beijing, Beijing", the city, actually is what attracts me? I've never so strong yearning, the impulse of the inner flame, annoyed me so much that I can't
Arizona State Sun Devils Jersey be calm, I pick up the phone, to XiaZi a telephone.
I said, I want to go to Beijing, to wood Yang's family to spend the New Year. XiaZi said, you're crazy! I say, is it, you also think I am crazy, maybe I was crazy!!!! He said, is that how you used to what? What is the point? Both of you no good, the somebody else all have a girlfriend, all went to see old father-in-law. Once I listen to cry, I say, I what also not for, just want to him, to meet him, and so I also wrong? XiaZi said, you may go to, what also not seen, the somebody else did not meet with you, only you drew his return. I say, there is no relation, and then I may be, I must see, or own ears I heard this he said to me, or I will not enter into the coffin not to cry... XiaZi said, you must understand the self-esteem, the somebody else all to sample on you, don't let somebody else later to hate you...... My tears big star big star to drop down, I said, I just want to see him, didn't want to disturb him, also didn't want to destroy his happiness, I just want to see him, so simple and pure desire, why is not able to come... XiaZi said, you have to think about it, don't urge, anyway I am not support you, if you do this, you'll never regret, you now everything may destroy......
I have no talk again, silent and to hear him tell the truth of completed a big, quietly hung up the phone. I want to XiaZi said!!!! I should not be so impulsive, nearly 30 years old man, how do things or like little children without thinking about the consequences?
I put my heart away, quietly returned to the office, thinking about this to secure job, life can't afford to do STH over and over again, I should cherish today...... I filled my mind all can convince me this idea discourse, and then actually really quiet in the office for an afternoon.
But, when night fell down, and when I stood in the doorway watched it was of the continuous rain, looking at the rain in the lights of the neon lights on the lingering and so on and so desolate, once again, I obviously felt my heart was a little bits of missing is pestering not to put, were used to break...... Once again, I can oneself, pick up the phone, immediately went to the aviation phone, booked two seats on flight from Beijing.
If, if life can have no illusions and looking forward to the thing, no can let you ecstatic, pain sad thing, that the meaning of the life still leave?
If, the person's life, just to complete their mission: to get married and have children, reproduce, so, god gives people thought and emotion, and for what?
If, people in this lifetime, in this say long not long say short not short life, even the things they want to do, not to do, to love people not to love, and want to see all the people can't meet of words, so, I want to ask, people live in such a world, living and dead, what's the difference?
If, as a woman, life is made thrifty, xiangfujiaozi, this is every woman natural fate. So, god gives their ideas, give her independent power, give her talent, given their ability, and a turbulent forever just want to rush forward but they do not know the heart stopped, and why?
I looked at their feelings, look at it like this spread out in this cold winter stark night, as if to laugh at my own again powerless. Since the childhood, it has been so, don't understand self-control. When it can no longer fall easily?
The flame of the dead, and burning my heart, wan with no soul as the body, like this I in this winter night coldly walk......
I want to know: if I like this without the uninhibited too, and how will it end?
Do I really will die a terrible death place?
DuLaSi said, if I'm not a writer, that I would be a prostitute.
People will forgive her frivolous, but won't someone forgive me.
