Surviving the 'mommy mafia'

Surviving the 'mommy mafia' C'mon, you've done it. You judged another mom on her choices, maybe even a close friend. You likely felt a little guilty about it -- but the judgment was still there.

The way moms -- well, women in general but especially moms -- judge one another is one of those dirty little secrets of mommy social structure, and it's not so secret.

Being a mom is incredibly hard work, and there's no way to be absolutely sure you are doing it right. Kids don't come with instruction manuals and checklists. There is no annual performance review with incentive awards for successes and improvement plans for less-than-successes.

For many of us, it will be decades before we have a real sense of how we did as a mom.

Amid that incredible level of uncertainty in this oh-so-vital job, it's no wonder we look to other moms for support, reassurance -- and maybe some smug self-satisfaction.

Insecurity about our own efforts combined with the appearance (good or less-than-good) of others' efforts makes conditions ripe for judgment and lashing out. Even among close friends, it's easy to slide into this not-at-all productive dynamic -- whether we want to admit it or not. Best friends or worst enemies -- or both -- the social dynamic among moms is a complicated, two-faced beast. It's the "mommy mafia."

Ah, yes, the mommy mafia. Enforcers of local social structures and norms and judgers of all who dare to do things differently. The mommy mafia can be brutal.

There's a little bit of the mommy mafia in each of us. Throw in one or a dozen of the hot-button issues in parenting today, and it's a potentially combustible situation -- the makings of a mommy mafia turf war!

Working-outside-the-home or stay-at-home, breast or bottle, cloth diapers or disposable, organic or processed, public school or home school, or any one of a myriad of topics from pregnancy to adulthood.

You make your decisions and hope you got them right, but a friend or a "frenemy" makes a comment or gives you the stink-eye and you doubt your decisions all over again -- or you're the one making the comments or giving the eye to a mom who dared to do it differently from you.

When we have any kind of insecurity about our own parenting decisions, pointing fingers at the choices and parenting decisions of others is the easiest thing to do.wicker basket It deflects attention from issues in our own parenting situation that might rightly need more personal thought and attention. Whether we are think we are convinced that one way is the right way -- or we are still trying to convince ourselves that our decision is the right one -- it's base insecurity that drives this lashing out, this mommy mafia on display.