Every relationship experiences some conflict. Some experience more
than others, some are playful, and some are hateful. Then there are
those that are never ending patterns of conflict that seem impossible
to break.
If you do want to stop the cycle of conflict, consider
these 10 steps to bring harmony back to your relationship. Note that
this doesn't only apply to parent and girlfriends, these can apply to
work conflicts as well.
- Cool Down Time.
If you've found yourself in a heated argument, the best thing you can
do is walk away for a little while. Blow off some steam with a walk or
by talking things out with a clear headed friend. If you just need some
rest, take a nap or a .
Before
going separate ways, take a deep breath and agree to discuss the issue
later. The whole goal of separating should be to come back together
with a better ability to work things out.
- Mutual Respect.
No matter how divided you are in your positions, always remember the
humanity of the other person. Keep in mind their weaknesses and
frailties. Think about the respect you want and then give it
unconditionally to the other person. Be kind even if you are angry. If
that makes you cry instead of screaming, you'll probably find that
yourself getting closer to the true root of the issue. When you get to
the root, you can start solving things.
- Start with Yourself. Ask yourself what part of the argument is your responsibility. How did you contribute to this argument? What can you do to resolve it? Do you need to apologize? Do you know how? This taught me the 3 steps to a proper apology:
- I'm sorry.
- It was my fault.
- How can I make it right again?
- What's It All About? From
your perspective, what is the argument really about? What would the
other person say the argument is about? What common goals do you both
share that could be used as a vehicle to reach a resolution?
- Needs vs. Wants. Figure out what it is that you want. Then ask yourself, "what do I really need?"
Go for what you need and be flexible on your wants. A need is something
you can't live without and a want is more of a preference. A resolution
doesn't mean you get everything you want, but hopefully you get
everything that you need. If you can't get what you need then you may
need to re-evaluate the relationship.
- Compassion and Empathy.
How is the other person feeling? How would it feel to be in their
shoes? Be honest. What are their fears behind the anger? Focus on the
good qualities in the other person and consider what their goals are.
- Wisdom and Strengths.
What are the best qualities of this person? What wisdom do they
possess? Everyone is smart about something. How can you tap into that
wisdom to help you move forward out of conflict? What can you learn
from your partner?
- Better to Be Happy than to Be Right. Conflict
can be hurtful and damaging to a relationship when allowed to run wild.
Take a step back to view the big picture. What do you really want? What
is your goal?At the end of your life, how will you view this argument?
What will you wish you did? How can you emerge from this conflict and
return to a light and peaceful state?
- Mutual Caring.
What good things do you want for your partner? How can you help that
person get what they need while you get what you need, either actively
or by taking a step back?
- Good Times Together.
Often we can get into a pattern of conflict with partners and friends
when we are not finding time to share fun together. So once the
immediate conflict is resolved or at least semi-resolved, take some
action that will have long-term benefits. Schedule in fun time together
on a regular basis. A good place to start is once a week. Designate
this time to be "Fun Time Only" together. No discussion of trigger
topics, just fun. Enjoy!
How
do you resolve conflicts? What's the best way you know to maintain
harmony in a relationship? We look forward to hearing from you!
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