If you have no idea what that faintly ludicrous sentence

If you have no idea what faintly ludicrous sentence means then allow me to explain. No, I'm not on drugs. FUT isn’t 2014’s answer to Plant Food or Meow Meow, but rather FIFA Ultimate Team, a scandalously compulsive gameplay mode in  the best-selling football video game franchise  that combines online matches with card trading.

FUT players assemble their squads from football cards obtained by buying packs with virtual currency earned from winning games and tournaments - or real currency earned by doing something less worthwhile with your time - or by doing deals in the in-game auction house (there are currently over a million items up for sale).

It’s also life-threateningly addictive. Almost all of my waking moments over the recent Christmas break that weren’t spent shovelling turkey into my mouth instead involved me guiding my FUT side The Silverados to online glory.

The only real downside to this (aside from the greatly increased chance of impending divorce) is coming into contact with other FUT players. All online video games have their share of insufferable idiots, of course, but FIFA 14 in particular can often feel like a massive magnet for morons.

So in an act of sweary, blood-letting catharsis thinly disguised as a semi-humourous list, here’s my personal top 10 most hated types of FUT online opponents, every single one of which is guaranteed to set off  my Xbox One Kinect’s swearing recognition technology, earning me an in-game reprimand from Martin Tyler for foul and abusive language in the process.