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2008-07-30 20:22:13
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Speeding ticket? What's that? New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. You can sleep your way to the top. You can sue the President for sexual harassment. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. Brad Pitt. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. You have the ability to dress yourself. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. You can quickly end any fight by crying. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems. You've never had a goatee. You'll never regret piercing your ears. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When... You automatically double-knot everything you tie. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak! Visit the previous joke on this topic! Visit the next joke on this topic! Return to parent jokes and humor
OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience OLD EDITORS do it with a red pen OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times Visit the previous joke on this topic! Visit the next joke on this topic! he old age jokes page
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. Note: I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more complete explanation arrived in my mailbox : - A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer, or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself... It does come from the mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his famous theorem, I believe.) Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why bother? Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones. Q: How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Leave it out, it was only attracting mosquitos anyway. Q: How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Nobody knows. They can't figure out what to wear to change one.
